Talking to Your Student on the Phone

Sigh!  After spending an extended stay home with family for the holidays your student has returned to campus.  You may be feeling a little wistful no longer getting that face-to-face time you so enjoyed and now miss.  Phone calls, emails, or texts never feel as rich as having them with you, in person.  But, this is the new normal.

The following suggestions may help maximize your phone calls with your student:

Prepare - Before engaging with them have something of mutual interest or importance that they are passionate about. 

Ask direct questions – Avoid questions that can be countered with a “yes” or “no.” Ask open-ended questions like, “tell me about an event that you attended which brought you joy,” or, “what’s the most interesting, exciting or relevant thing you learned in class this past week?”  As you ask open-ended question, make sure they are not vague.  A question like, “How’s school?” might end up with a bunch of word rambling, a “Fine,” or, even more likely, “I don’t know.”

Be genuine –Teenagers and young adult are particularly skilled at recognizing when someone is not being “real.”  Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.  

Involve them in adult conversations – Enjoy the emergence of having a relationship with a child who is now an adult. While reminiscing about when they were younger can have its place, there is little benefit to always talking about how they once were, getting mired in memories.  Honor that they are evolving into adulthood.  It lets them know that you recognize who they are, now.  Be interested but don’t pry.  You probably do not want to hear the details of their recent hookup or what happened at a random party. 

Share important family information - If Grandpa has died, a family friend is down on their luck, or the family pet is sick, let your student know.  Not wanting them to worry won’t cut it.  They want to be a part of significant familial milestones and want to know what is happening on the home front. 

Avoid hot topics – Discussing potential triggers can turn south quickly.  Respond, but don’t react, to comments that trigger hurt or anger in you.  Avoid lecturing. Turn your criticisms into concerns.  And, balance those concerns with validations. 

Soothe Yourself - Learn how to navigate your child’s occasional acts of independence from you that may feel hurtful and designed to push you away.  This can be challenging as such behaviors tend to be coupled with their need for closeness and connection.  Though they might not express it, their need to feel your love and sense of family is still vitally important. Any lessening of your child’s attention towards you is a loss and it is okay to grieve for that.  Treat yourself nicely.

Call often (but not every day) – It shows you care. Keep conversations short unless your student wants to talk longer.  Find that balance between calling and pestering.  Turn it into a ritual and make it a routine – something that both parties look forward to. Helpful hint: call and check in on Thursdays through Saturdays.  This can help keep students accountable as they explore their newfound independence.

Have occasional video chats – While just talking on the phone, we may miss subtle cues when we can’t see expressions and gestures.  Switch to video chats when possible.  Additionally, when on video chats one is less likely to try to multitask and instead focuses on just the conversation.  Augment with texts and emails. 

Ultimately, when you talk on the phone, let them know you are proud of their search for independence, that you see them as responsible, and trust that they will keep themselves safe.  Concurrently, make sure they know that people sometimes make mistakes and that you are always there for them should they get in over their heads.  Make them feel that they can trust and confide in you and that you will always support them.

While they are making their own way in the world, support, after all, is only a phone call away.