Preserving the peace without having a stony silent night: When students share ideas that clash

When a student comes back from their first semester or five-hundredth class session, they are likely to bring current ideas and sometimes new perspectives or values. When a person you have known for a long time, maybe even their whole life, says something unexpected, it can catch you off guard. People tend to reflect the beliefs and values modeled by those who have authority over them or those whom they respect. When day-to-day routine and company is altered, this can impact an individual’s viewpoint.

Part of attending college is critical thinking and connecting concepts to allow students to become engaged members of society. The first time we hear disagreement, the instinct is to treat it as defiance – especially when coming from someone we were previously responsible for teaching. Keep in mind that the speaker is someone you care about. The student has grown and is expressing their own thoughts and opinions. While this may be uncomfortable, it is not inherently meant to disrespect anyone. Speaking up is an act of inclusion and sharing, inviting you to be a part of their life and thoughts. Whether social justice, public health, cultural competency, fiscal responsibility, environmental ethics, or some other topic is a hot spot for you or your student, this is the moment to choose a conversation over a confrontation.

Should you find yourself wanting to jump into the topic, here are some suggestions for prompting productive discussion:

• Discussing language: “Can you explain to me why/the context for why what I originally said is problematic?” or “What would be a more appropriate way to express this?”
• Politics and Lifestyle: “What is the primary purpose/goal of this approach?” or “What values does this choice reflect?”
• Behavior Patterns: “Is there evidence to support what you propose?” or “What are some steps I can take to explore this?”
• Generally: “Thank you for bringing this to my attention – could you help me better understand?”

When students bring new ideas to the table, what they say can sometimes be hard to swallow. As feathers get ruffled and tempers heat up, step back. In the moment, things may seem unnecessary or disrespectful, but this can be a moment of reflection (for everyone involved) which can ensure more positive interactions in the future.

As winter break arrives, bringing holiday cheer, seasonal depression, and a mess of interactions that may cause tension, how can everyone show respect, patience, and appreciation for one another without insisting on a silent night?

1. Remember that every generation brings innovative ideas, tools, and priorities. Historically, the preceding generation resists, objects, and criticizes progress. The conversations in front of you are mostly the same story, just with different characters.
2. Neither party should shame, bully, or personally attack the other. Discussions of ideas and values should not become a competition of who is the better person of whose values are actually valuable.
3. If you feel personally attacked by something that was not actually personal, that is your responsibility. This is an opportunity for reflection.
4. Listen to understand, not to respond. If you still disagree, that is okay, but at least hear them out.
5. Ask yourself what the cost will be. Changes in language are small, simple ways to show respect. Lifestyle changes are a bigger ask, but usually there are some smaller steps or compromises that could help strike a balance for everyone. Refusing to or insisting that someone else grow can create rifts that help neither party.

So much time and energy has been put into our students before they leave for college. We want what is best from them. We love them, which makes it harder to have difficult conversations when we do not see things the same way. When all else fails, some version of “I love you, but we fundamentally disagree on this topic. We have both said our piece and I would like to move on to other topics,” is polite and likely to preserve the relationship alongside the relative peace.