Parents of Graduating Seniors

April 6, 2020
Image
Encouraging Bitmogi

To my fellow parents of graduating seniors, I extend to you my empathy and moral support in this time of confusion.  You and your senior have worked long and hard to get to this moment and it’s important to recognize their loss, but I know, this may be an even bigger upset for you.  I have two children set to graduate this year, one from college and one from high school. While I wasn’t looking forward to the logistics, expense and family weirdness around graduation, now that they’re cancelled, I am unexpectedly grieving. 

Like many of you, our family had already begun planning which events to attend and the best ways to celebrate.  I didn’t realize until now just how much I needed to be a part of that recognition.  Our path has been a long road fraught with challenges. We’ve struggled with multiple military moves, learning disabilities, and financial uncertainties. 

Though I’m sad, I’m encouraged by the thought that our tribulations have taught us a lot about handling triumph, challenge, change and loss.  I’d like to share the steps we take when negotiating tricky and complex life challenges.

Step one: talk about it. 

We assess and acknowledge what each change means to each person.  I’ve learned that everyone experiences change differently.  Determining what is a “big deal” and what is “no big deal” is key, it’ll be different for everyone involved and it’ll change as time goes on. It’s best to accept what people prioritize.  Take time to recognize what can and can’t be individually controlled.  Focus on addressing the “big deals” first.

Step two: find the golden lining.

Perception matters and it is completely in our power to control.  When given the option between pessimism or optimism, those who are most successful in navigating change choose gratefulness and optimism.  Framing challenges as a series of opportunities for growth rather than the end of the world can create a pathway to a sense of fulfillment.

Step three: call upon supporters and disempower saboteurs. 

Whether they be institutional, relational, or personal, this is a time to reach out and pull all assets into play.   Institutional assets might include work, public agencies and the University. Relational supporters might be family you can count on and other allies in your life.  Personal assets might include coping strategies used successfully in the past, natural talents, and healthy habits.  Leaning into strengths can help you power through this.  Be aware of those things which can drag you down, and intentionally work around them. 

Step four: Decide on a course of action or inaction. 

Doing nothing is sometimes the best course of action.  Just waiting something out can garner as many benefits as frantic action.  Set some goals based on your assessments and do what makes sense.  After talking to my daughter I’ve learned that she’s not upset about missing the graduation but, is devastated that she won’t be sharing her capstone presentation with friends and family. We’ve talked about how this could be a great opportunity to design something working with her advisors and team to post a video of her and her team’s work in a group zoom with anyone interested. 

My son is sad that he’ll be the only one of my three who didn’t get family to come down for their graduation.  He doesn’t seem too bothered about the ceremony, but he was looking forward to the party.  We will call on the family to make him a book where each person can dedicate a page talking about what they wish for him and what he means to them.  We have some creative folks who I’m sure would love to take part. 

For now, we are all at home distancing together and while it’s stressful, I can’t help but be grateful for a few more months of being a family under one roof.  It’s not the future any of us wanted for this summer but it’s the one we’ve got.  There’s no doubt that there will be more change to come.  When it does, I hope we’ll all leverage the skills, supports, and strategies necessary to thrive.   

Kaye Godbey

Program Coordinator,

Campus Health and Wellness, Health Promotion and Preventive Services